december 31 ♪＼(^^＼)☆
and with that marks the last day of 2025, new year waiting for me with open arms and the promised warmth of spring, peeking on the horizon. why do i feel so strange?
it's raining. i can hear droplets of water sliding off the roof and the sound of impact as it makes contact with my window. my hello kitty clock is ticking. the sound of my fingers typing this keeps me awake. it should feel special, i know. it is special - the entire world is heading into a new year! but still, i hope there is at least one person out of all who feels the same way.
you could say i changed a lot this year. i got a new job, formed new hobbies, and grew into my interests. there has been a mix of good moments and bad. my lack of emotional regulation and a relapse in both self-harm and mental health made it hard for me to be anything at all, yet i persisted, and i am happier. i lost a lot of friends, but it made me grow fonder of the ones who stayed. like yin and yang, opposite forces found in all things. love cannot exist without loss. happiness cannot exist without sorrow. acceptance is everything; we must embrace both the good and the bad.
that's another lesson i've learned this year - that love and pain coexist. i love my boyfriend more for the difficult things we've been through now, though i never thought i would back then. i think i got used to idealizing relationships and believing that it should be experienced through rose-tinted glasses. of course it doesn't work that way.
i hurt so much this year, and it has made me stronger. through the despair, i've found a way to feel again, to be myself again. to come home to myself, to feel the warmth of the sun shining on my skin. to taste how sweet it is to be alive. to be grateful for it.
i still feel strange.
to the year of the horse, please be good to me. 